“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
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The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*