“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
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The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
*orders delivery*
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man