I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
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“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
who will stop them
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
The pasta is now
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
sistine chapel