Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
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I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.