We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
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A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
m’lady
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU