You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
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Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
*bites zombie*
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
where the womens at?
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Wake me when AI does housework
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.