What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
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If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Fiction has to make sense.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑