Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
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The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
when mom throws a party…
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I falcon love using swear birds
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Someone just threatened to call me later
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…