me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
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Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Has there ever been a more American story?
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
dads on road-trips be like
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
After 35, your body ages in dog years