kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
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*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
The best shot in the history of golf
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.