I don’t know what to do
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This is true.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no