What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
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Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.