Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
You Might Also Like
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.