I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
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I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.