Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
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Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Hot Hot Hot
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁