Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
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WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
There is wisdom there.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩