nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Sticker placement is key.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils