Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
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I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.