[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
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*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario