ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
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me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
“Sheer Arrogance”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane