Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
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The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Facebook memories be like
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.