I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
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Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
I think they could have phrased this better