SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
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can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
You can’t outrun your problems…
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance