My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
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[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky