The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
You Might Also Like
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.