With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
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the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.