[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
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Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Bless you
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.