Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
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aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.