PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
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Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…