doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
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After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
*launders Kohls cash*
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.