911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
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me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same