Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
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I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM