I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
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DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Sorry not sorry.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I love snow
– People who never shovel
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow