*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
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Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I love it all
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.