Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
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I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Covid like
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.