Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
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Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.