Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
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Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.