some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
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ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
The police never think its as funny as you do.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”