Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
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Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude