“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
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When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I’m going to need a moment here.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed