*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
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Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
me as a parent
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !