I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
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I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.