ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
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So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.