My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
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Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Sniffing the broccoli
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.