A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
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My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I love art.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
no
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Breaking news:
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.