Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
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Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
This is why I hate group projects
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”