[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
You Might Also Like
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”