Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
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Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
My work here is done
⛄️
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.