You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
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Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.