My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
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why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.